How To Use Free Time—for Those of Us Who Suck at It

A not-so-obvious guide to learning to live.

This past weekend when I found myself at the helm of an unusual amount of free time, I had quite the epiphany that lead to a hypocritical confession of sorts:

I’m terrible at free time.

When I had an actual set of hours to do whatever the hell I dream of doing while I normally toil away at my computer, I found out I didn’t actually know how to anymore. I suddenly became my husband.

For the entire first year my husband was an ER attending, he’d walk around our house on his day off and look for things to do. When that decade of a formal medical training ended, he was a bit lost with this thing called “free time.”

He’d interrupt me at my desk to tell me he was going to pull some weeds or, looking for permission to just relax, he’d ask me if it was cool if he went to the driving range.

Yes, it’s cool. Why can’t you just enjoy your day off? I’d reassure him he literally didn’t need to do a thing. But he’d roll through a To Do list of things he should be doing in response to such a novel concept as if I’m his free time manager that stamps approval of time off.

Cue the hypocritical confession:

Apparently, I suck at having free time too.

Free time? I was at a writer’s conference here debating re-writing my entire completed memoir.

Caroline Peterson, To Do List Extraordinaire

I was on a call awhile ago with a business coach who made this absolutely asinine suggestion of not setting my alarm clock. Like any psychopath Type A person, I set a goal of being at my desk by 7am every day with, in very small type, being up by 6am to have a slow morning beforehand.

She was like, “Why?”

“Because I grew up in a WASP-y household?” I shrugged. I couldn’t actually tell her a reason other than it’s something annoying people wear proudly. “Oh yes, I’m up every day at 6am, drinking my single-origin cold brew while meditating.” It’s me. Hi. I’m the annoying person.

She told me to try not setting an alarm (aside from days where I have early meetings or appointments) and just show up at my desk and decide then what I’m going to do with my day.

It felt so weird. My husband thoroughly enjoyed how uncomfortable it made me because routines are my jam, my guardrails and I guess now my personality?

But this wild thing happened.

I got a lot of shit done.

When given the option to choose what I was going to work through, I got work done sooner than I anticipated. I just broke these projects down to smaller tasks, lobbed off the pressing items and moved the ones I knew I could do later, to a different day. This continued and whittled down my always-unnecessarily-long To Do List.

I had done so much shit, in fact, that I had this weird thing called free time once the weekend came.

So, of course, I made a free time list of things I could do.

I wish I was joking, just follow me.

Why social media fills the avoidance gap

This is normally where social media comes in and fills that gap between the comfort of the devil you know and the discomfort of trying something new.

Weeks prior, I’d cut back my social media intake. As a marketer with 20+ years under my belt, I often can see content as a sales tactic before most people are aware they are being sold to. It’s not a great trait to have, especially in this influencer-driven world. So when I saw Kim Kardashian’s latest grift, I knew I needed to back off a bit. It all just felt so gross. (And for the love, please know those things do not work. Instead of asking yourself why they may not work, maybe ask yourself why you felt so inclined to believe your face isn’t okay how it is? Sometimes, I hate this place for making women feel so awful about themselves.)

I’ve found out quickly that as much as I wanted to finish the book I’m reading or try a new Korean recipe I’ve had bookmarked for years, that reaching for my phone was not only the norm, it was habitual and addictive. Easier.

I would just scroll during that free time. I’d ingest an absurd amount of content. Feel worse and reach for my phone yet again. Legit scrolling my life away.

But, I didn’t have that crack this time! It was the perfect storm, really. With those social media apps off my phone and this new, weird thing, some call, “free time,” I legitimately sat on my couch writing a FREE TIME TO DO LIST.

Because what else do psychopaths do?

We’re conditioned to make free time more efficient

With a pen and pad of paper in hand, I began writing down the things I’d like to get done during said free time. Keeping it old school by physically writing it down meant I was off my phone. Look at me being all retro and shit.

As I worked my way through the checklist, I had this truly terrifying thought:

What if I didn’t use a To Do List?

Even the very question of, “Can I enjoy free time without an ongoing list of things that could be done to occupy said time?” lit my synapses on fire. I can’t even enjoy the moment of free time I have without feeling the pressure to be productive.

Of course this can be debated to death as last-stage capitalism, but I think it’s also a bit more social media centric than that. No matter how much we may curate our life and feeds: broski/brotastic marketing, life hacks, grind culture, the MAHA movement and gurus who always somehow have a simple answer to complex issues, rule our life.

We are constantly being told there is something better to be doing with our time.

Yes, even our free time.

Just “chilling” at a pub in London, trying to distract myself from the solo hike across England that I’m about to embark on.

How to cure the free time blur

Before social media, before cell phones, before the internet (Pipe down, Gen Z, a time like this did exist), we were left to be bored. Bored and thus, creative.

So, I had this brilliant thought while having an existential crisis on my couch.

What would 13 year old Caroline do?

The one who used to write plays and poems, draw and paint, and lug around an 80 pound video camera to make funny videos that thankfully have never seen the light of day. Though, I’m sure the production quality would hold its weight today, no doubt.

There was no reason to do those things. They couldn’t be added to my resume or thrown on a website (Al Gore hadn’t created it yet).

We just did it for fun.

Fun free time.

That’s what free time is supposed to be, numbnuts! (I’m talking to myself.)

So I channeled flannel loving, bagging pants wearing, Spice Girls super fan Caroline and went to task.

• I cracked open my laptop and started writing whatever the hell I wanted without trying to think about clicks or likes or new subscribers or any other sort of metric that often destroys the very thing I love.

• I partially wrote this post, wrote this heartfelt piece that's been weighing heavily on me for weeks and put a few other partially finished ones in the pipeline for later.

• I sat on my couch listening to the tropical birds that surround our Hawaiian home and read about our upcoming 100+ mile hike in England. I studied the trails and elevations. I looked up places I wanted to be sure to stop at and snap some photos with my fancy camera (not my phone).

• I turned off my podcasts, turned on 90’s House Classics, then a Chill Mix and danced in my kitchen while making a steak and salad, all while enjoying a Pinot Noir I got in Oregon while visiting my sister.

This is the sort of life, the sort of free time we all imagine!

And it was sort of awful.

Not because I had a bad time, but because I was so out of my comfort zone of doomscrolling or checking things off my to do list of “productivity” that I felt like I was doing it wrong.

I lived…and it made me uncomfortable.

How absolutely absurd.

We are so used to this hamster wheel we created that when we’re given a moment to relax, we’d rather hop back on for the facade of productivity.

Our phones and feeds are like the family Christmas Card updates we’d get once a year, except now it’s every single day and twisted into monetizing our life by telling us we’re somehow doing it wrong, but if you learn how to do it correctly you’ll unlock your freedom! We do not have to participate in the charade of constant efficiency or productivity in order to live.

So, as I put my phone down more and as I ease my way into this uncomfortable thing called living, I will remember that the old school days of analog yore when things weren’t as complicated or commercialized still have a lot to teach us.

In fact, I think those who truly live are the ones who opted out long ago.

13 year old Caroline would tell me to get a grip and she absolutely would not be wrong, regardless of her poor choice of feathered bangs.

Hey, I’m Caroline! 👋🏻 I’m a globetrotting writer who lives in Hawaii with my husband and two wiley cats. 🌺😻 I’ve been to 28 countries and can tell you curiosity is where it’s at—my goal is to capture that with the stories I share. Brave Enough to Try is a publication and community for those who understand that trying new things—and sometimes failing!—leads to a life filled with the advantages that different perspectives bring. 🌏

Come Be Brave Enough to Try with us!